See these?

Ugly runners. I have a size 7 1/2 foot, B width. The little number you’re looking at is not a shoe. It’s a flotation device. Seriously. If I fell out of a boat/canoe/kayak — I don’t really know what a kayak is because you would never find me in one, ever — or slipped off a cruise ship (which to my way of thinking is nothing more than a raft on steroids) and, by the way, these are all likely scenarios, klutz that I am…

If I fell off a water transportation system, with these shoes and my natural endowment, I wouldn’t need any kind of life jacket or preserver. None whatsoever. Just sayin’.

In January, I joined the ranks of the new SparkPeople recruits. Let me be perfectly clear. This was not a New Year resolution. NOT. I didn’t join until the 7th or so of January, which — ugh — still put me in the Class of New Year 2009. I just happened to notice, around the 7th of January or a couple of years before, that I had more jiggly parts and not in a good way. You can’t be Elektra with jiggly parts, and I really want to be Elektra. In an alternate universe.

And that began my new nonfat life. Long story short. I’ve lost some pounds. I’ve lost some inches. I’m going to lose more pounds… more inches. Right now I’m doing the Sweatsuit to Swimsuit Boot Camp. I know. You’re thinking bikini, right? Tankini? One sec, while I step over here and have a little laugh-in. I’m thinking retro Blonde Bombshell one piece, minus some bombshell.

I digress. I had to trade style for support when I bought these runners. I really wanted the suede and leather hiking shoes, which were by far the most comfortable shoe I tried on. However, the sales rep pointed out that they were heavy and that my feet would really get hot doing cardio in those. So I said, Okay, bring on the ugly runners. There were hundreds to choose from. The one thing I’m pretty sure I’ve got in these is stability. The rubber soles fan out like a platform for the foot. It’s hard to fall over on something like that. Just don’t stand too close to me when I’m doing cardio. My platform might collide with your teeny, tiny aerobic shoe and send you hurtling off into space, which is probably more cardio than you wanted. Speaking of space…

Yesterday, I was standing in line to get my Star Trek tickets, and a really good looking guy got in the line next to mine. I looked down the length of his jeans to see a hot pair of black runners with thin red stripes across the lacing area. Oh, man. I kept thinking why couldn’t I find a pair like that? I took a slow look up those jeans, right up the shoulders to the face, and he was wearing really hot — hawt — red metal frames to go with those shoes. More men who wear glasses. I was a total goner. I wanted to run over and ask him where he got the runners, where he got the frames, but I didn’t want Mr. G, honey — my Friday night Star Trek date — to think I was hitting on him or cracker dog or something.

If you haven’t seen Star Trek — Go. See. It was thoroughly satisfying and a real adrenaline rush. I did entertain a thought or two about sending a personal shuttle for Spock. I’m only human. It took me a moment to recognize you, Karl Urban, without the long, blond hair you were sporting as Eomer in Lord of the Rings, not to mention all that yummy leather. You are a great Bones. Then, there was Nero…

Where was I? Oh, yes. Shoes. It bears repeating. These are not runners, they are flotation devices. Find them at a mall near you.

Elen

p.s. This is the fabric on one of my comfy living room chairs. Now that I really love. Hello weekend.